Top 10 Reasons Why I Love You

We’ve been too long far apart by heart. (Oh please don’t put up that frown.) Sharing bed, sleeping side by side but never bothering to say ‘hi’ or kiss each other goodnight. But believe me baby when I say, ‘how I long to be alone in your enveloping arms’ and put up that DO NOT DISTURB sign.

Sure you’ve given me black eyes, but we know together we are good. Not even complaining if I haven’t touched you in a while or I haven’t got beyond the 12^th page of the same title 3 times, that there you are left alone gathering ‘sand’ by my bedside.

Oh my precious books, simply between us:

1.    Age doesn’t matter – you did not judge me if I read Mills and Boon when I was eight and keep coming back to My Little Prince in my 30’s and most importantly, you won’t ask why am I not married on first meeting.  

2.    No issues about the past – No one cares and no one talks who owns you first or who owns you last. Even if I picked you up from the second-hands’ rack or you’re a hand-me-down.

3.    You don’t complain – about my cooking, or even if we only have Coke and chips all day or that we’ve been lying for 12 hours and I haven’t brushed my teeth. (Yeah, that’s gross.)

4.    You won’t say I am fat or that my hair is big on a regular basis. Not that I’m weight-obsessed, but puhleeezzz, I don’t need to be reminded of what a weighing scale and a mirror can clearly say.

5.    I can always get back on my favourite lines and you never get tired.

6.    You didn’t call me a bitch when I was sidetracked – when I had all my time with Facebook or when Wikipedia snatched my attention and time.

7.    No miscommunication issues. I can believe what I want to believe. When you get me lost: Hello Thesaurus. And even if I nag at you at 3 am, you won’t take that against me; simply you understand that I’m also crazy when my hormones are up.

8.    You don’t control me, overanalyze me or get back to me and tell me: I told you so. And you don’t require explanations when I make mistakes. You just let me be.

9.    Unconditional love - you make me cry, you make me laugh and you don't ask anything in  return even if sometimes I don’t remember all, I can’t recall word for word, sometimes it seems nothing was retained in my mind at all, even if it slips me who is the author.   

10.  Cheating allowed. If I want to know the how the story ends, I can always peep at the last page, saves me from disappointments, saves me big time from heartaches.

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Sweet Randomness of November

Among other things that make me weird is dreaming of what makes my MOST ROMANTIC WEEKEND DATE - that is over a non-glamorous styro of McDonalds breakfast  with Ronald  McDonald looking over my shoulder. It’s having to sit in my pambahay clothes, no-makeup-just-washed-my-face-and-brushed-my-teeth look while having hearty laughs waiting for sunshine – seeing beyond the drama of the ceramic-ironed hair and candlelit glow over dinner. 

And the thought stirred the sweet randomness of my November while waiting for my choco mousse at Spinneys.

·         Mega breakfast at Coco’s – One-tenth of the meal is GREASE, nonetheless there is something about big breakfasts with friends after the Friday service peppered with good conversation that is heavenly (and having cash to spend on a bag you’ve been eying on makes weekend mornings at DXB even superb). 

·         Holiday getaway in Ajman – the not so long drive in the afternoon, the hotel room that allowed me to breathe and roam around barefooted, clean sheets, spacious bathroom and again, buffet breakfasts... when the most that my amiability can afford is as small group as it can get and not much explanation is required for them to let me be. And yeah! The 2-piece stripes swimsuit ;-).

·         Niceness. I’m in the process of growing up and acting my age. And one of those steps is a business with one person whom I wasn’t able to treat quite nicely in public as it seemed all eyes were on us, waiting for our facebook relationship status to change from single to in a relationship (with each other). I had to apologize for acting like 12 instead of 32 and not because we did not end up with each other as it is quite obviously a blessing to him to have ended up with a nice girl he deserves. At the end of the conversation he still sent me the most sincere sms I’ve ever received that made me see a thoughtful person beneath the ego my immaturity has bruised. There are still nice men simply because they are nice.

·         Colour me lovely – there are girls who get it on with their hair when things are bad, when frustrated or simply when bored – I’m one of them. I have photographs to testify having my hair chopped off from super long to super short during my teens and my 20’s. End result: Panic buying of hair treatment products and 1.8 Liters of Pantene Conditioner. Because frankly, it looks like a wig and I can’t have it rebonded due to hair colour. But I’m loving the big-wig look… Hhmmmm.

·         My stash of books gathering ‘sand’ by my bedside… Ask my mom, it isn’t me.

·        Receiving calls from my mom. It’s the joy of rediscovering my mom… because we were robbed off of that right. And they are overseas calls she’s spending on for chit chats… =)

·         A job for Bubbly. A testimony of God’s goodness all the time.

·        Wiggin’ out, Hattin’ up night for Beauty’s birthday… walang humpay na tawanan at kababawan 'til midnight with the Grease Gang.

·        Twenty-minute wait for my choco mousse at Spinneys after obsessing about it for days. It was a crazy hectic week – weeks at work to be more apt: working ‘til no one can reply to my mails anymore, last minute media bookings and cancellations, etc… etc… then a Family Day preparation for the church, a night with Beauty and gatherings here and there – the thought of choco mousse feels like a soothing balm and a sports massage to my muscle pain.   And tonight a kabayan was so sweet to prepare me one as all on display was finished. It was still frozen when I got home. Nonetheless, the first bite of the chocolate-packed goodness was worth the wait, enough to cap my sweet November.

·         Snowflakes.

Who says life has to be grand?

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with my skinned knees

I am who I am

The life YOU perfectly penned

With the skinned knees

Broken bones and ribs that I sustained

I know I shouldn’t blame

Look into the past

With bitterness and hurt

For the dreams that have escaped

YOU have grander rewards in mind

For order of events i cannot rearrange

YOU have better things aligned

For what I lost and cannot keep

Tests I failed and lessons I missed

YOU ARE PATIENT, YOUR LOVE IS SUFFICIENT

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To Beauty and Butterfly

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I’ve long waited for my wings to spread

Sing in the dew as the morning breaks

As the promise of a new day blooms

Peeping through the crack of my sealed cocoon

In the protective shield I was kept

From a contented caterpillar feeding only in greens

Forcefully wrapped to the moth of pupal casing

Resisting to change my order of things

Seeking refuge from cushion of leaves

Entwining to vines, refusing to surrender

Weakened by cuts, bruises and blisters

Until an end has come, there was no way but bend

“Outside my child the storms will come

The strength you built is just a mirage

Whatever I am taking has a great reward

When you completely surrender to my perfect plan

You will resist for you are made that way

You will break your legs and commit mistakes

But when I am your shelter” He promised,

“MY UNFAILING LOVE AND GRACE WILL PREVAIL”

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last night i gave up my wedding dress

It has been a long winding path

Looped and knotted at every curve

The birth of The Queen

The awakening of the bitch

The sin of Eve

Running, traipsing with a herd of sheep

Oh boy, did I regret?

Cried for what I lost and missed?

Definitely NO

It’s time to fall in love again --- with myself

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when you feel the walls you built shattered under your feet

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and you are clothed with nothing but fear

exposed and naked beyond the surface

He said:

Be still and know that I am God.

 Psalm 46:10

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dip it!

Forest’s mom said that ‘Life is like a box of chocolate…’ but to those who delight in the sound of the crunch than the high of the sugar ‘Life is also like a bag of chips’.

1. Until you open it, you won’t taste it. If you don’t live it, you wouldn’t enjoy it.

2. It can be made more special by an assortment of dips. Want it hot, chunky, beefy or with guacamole? Even with a cup of melted chocolate if you wish. A lot like your existence, made more colourful by the layers of experiences.

3. It is stamped with manufacturing and end dates. Aren't we? And the ‘best before years’ are always before the expirations dates.

4. It comes with nutritional facts. You know what it’s made up, you know what it lacks. Stop whining for what is missing, life offers options to make it interesting. 

5. It is best enjoyed with a glass of ice-cold Coke. Makes it more health hazardous when abused. So some pleasures and the habits gone bad - dangerous.

6. When it comes to flavour, you always prefer the natural than the artificial. The breasts, the eye lashes and the friends. And you know when they are fake.

7. Packaging is advertising, even the name you are called prompts the recall. But still the character is the real deal. 

8. You savour each morsel, you don’t rush it. It’s not chips eating contest, so is life not a race. 

9. Life does not end with a cracked chip. A serving is only perfect in pics. You have a choice to disguise, hide or flaunt it before the camera clicks. But you have to live with it.

10. Grind the dippin’… with friends, with loved ones. Simply, sharing makes life more fun.

Clinks and Clanks

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Chapter 2

She wears a layer of wide and slim gold bangles around her tiny arms that clinks and clanks as she moves her hand to sweep her curls or cover my own hands resting on the table. The teardrop-shaped tiny danglers of her shoulder-length chandelier earrings dance below her ears as she tosses her head to nod or smile – a reminiscent of a wind chime at a farmhouse’s doorstep. If your imagination is as wild as mine, you can add the joyous chirps of the passing flock of birds in the scenario.

Her smile is as warm as her embrace and if the  iron wrought coffee table in between us prohibits her from reaching me fully, she holds me in enveloping clasp through her eyes.

I named her WISDOM. And yeah, you can book me to a Psychiatrist now, I turned into schizo… tada!!!

Immaturity and the anonymity of her being, pushed me to running away as fast as I could whenever I bump her in the bars, catch her shadows at train stations or as the air blows the scent of her perfume.

Until exhaustion and dehydration left me lifeless at the deep end of the pit and I found her reaching out with her hand while the other shaking a glass of frozen margarita in the air – well, you guessed it right, the drink was just a figment of my imagination... :)

The next thing I know, after she helped me on my seat opposite her in the unfamiliar dim-lit room and after an hour and more of uncontrollable sobs and tears and sweat-smudged mascara and foundation I subjected her into, I welcomed without resistance the embrace of this haloed creature.

Yeah, deep inside my sober being was a familiarity of her. But to some, friendship does not happen in an instant. And to top it all, I’m six pockets and a bag full of strings of missteps and heartaches I knotted myself into.

There goes the free consultation to my winged friend to help me haul from my self-inflicted misery, she called it ‘normal abnormality', interesting and comforting :). This is while I am consoling a friend in the same ordeal. A weekend of enduring 30 episodes of Gossip Girl without being able to detach myself while I know it’s purely fictional and their lives and lies have nothing to do with my life. Sleeping and waking until my eyes bleed with Andrei Agassi’s OPEN without understanding anything about tennis. Dining out with non-fictional friends and hibernating unexpectedly, missing my church activities and all. Reliving histories and enumerating excuses to have other people to blame... ‘PATHETIC’ is quite an understatement, yes.

A few more desperate days later and 3 kilos weight gain due to oversleeping and binge eating, Wisdom peeped through my window (the first of many) and dropped to my bedside a box neatly tied with a golden bow (one of Wisdom's special perks). Perfectly knotted that I wouldn’t dare to untie... And guess what, inside was a gift of choice to leave my old life for a brand new heart. A fist-size life supporting organ with not a single stitch evident to show the unnecessary drama after drama that I tortured the old one with. On the hindsight, it’s not bad to lose things or people which and who are lovely but health hazardous, perfectly right?... Including an organ.

“I was hoping it was a bangle or a nice bag”, I muttered without a single hint of disappointment but instead with the widest smile that my mouth can stretch and of course the stream of tears flowing on my cheeks to make the scene more dramatic.

“Close your eyes my love, this is just the beginning. Look back into the past to forget the hurt but not to ask: what ifs. Count your tears and thread them like precious beads. Not to remind you of the knots that cause you pain, but a priceless jewelry that come out of it. Instead of mistakes, why not call them experience?”

Yes, why not? With the newly painted red toenails, a brand new heart works best.

In next chapter: Following FAITH

33 and counting...

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I hit the double three. Well, most of my friends already did. And some other friends will, in their own time. So what’s the big deal that my eyebrows met in one line? That there was an unspoken frustration ready to burst like an over-inflated balloon?

The big deal is I am apparently ‘SINGLE’, grating cheese for the spaghetti topping and scooping ice cream for my nieces instead of having my own baby on my hip or making one.

Don’t get me wrong. Not that I detest being with my family nor that I am that desperate being tied and stripped while dressed in a cheerleader skirt.  

In my narrow mind, that was just not that way I planned to mark my 33^rd birthday. 

You see, from the time I hit 28, there is something big and bold in my yearly journal that spells how I was slapped by adulthood. From losing my adoptive mom, and half the clan, to having an instant bank account that can swipe at least 4 to 8 authentic Louis Vuitton bags. (I tried to buy a husband, but the ex was not for sale. I did not spend on LVs as well and spent it on happiness instead so don’t make me account.) From changing my time zone to exploring options. From being lost and weak and to being found and saved.

But of course, when hormonal levels strike balance, senses were back as swiftly. Logic overrides the longing.

In between sipping wine and nibbling cheese and ham under the stars with my good old sorority sisters, exchanging friendly banters and sharing heavy midnight meals with my brothers, it slapped me how good life is. I found happiness again in life’s simple pleasures. Happiness that does not depend on forcing myself into becoming someone into somebody else’s life.

There is something comforting meeting good old friends. It was like fitting into old clothes. Comfortable and warm. The hugs, the laughter, the old jokes and the reminder of who you were once. And as my old dreams and paths once taken were revisited, I am reminded of the life’s gifts and realizations: 

1. That deep in your heart of hearts, no matter how deep the shits you have been, there is somebody that you want to be… and something that you want to do for yourself… Pursue it. Whether you are single, attached or married, because you are accountable for your own worth and happiness. 

2. That saying “I wish I had time to…” for learning new things, reading good books or whatever is it that you want in your life is a crime. Because you have the time and you can find time. 

3. That you’ll miss your parents when they are gone (to my adoptive mom) and that no matter how unaffected you claim you are, you’ll miss your family when you’re away, and sometimes you’ll cry. So don’t miss the opportunity of saying ‘I love you’, or ‘I’m sorry’ when needed.

 4.  For one like me who has lived solo and survived on instant noodles and fast food for 16 years, there’s a delight on taking it on mom’s kitchen:

§  There is always the right size of pot and pan for whatever you need to boil or sauté

§  It’s easier and faster to mince garlic with a chef’s knife

§  And when you ran out of gas, you can just tell mom… 

I mean… It’s never too late to explore cooking... or anything new.

Simple thoughts but big in meaning.

Did I regret having my holiday and birthday being handled by fate? Definitely NO. For I have gained more than what I have bargained for. The gift of a better me. 

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eve bit the apple

When we resist the most obvious reasons

When we deny the absolute truths

When we find what is non-existent

And fail to see what is there

When we distort the facts

And try to see truth in the lies

When we ignore the warning signs

Head even the red light

When we defend even what is unfair

And deny justice to ourselves

To fit in the order that we want

To suit what we desire

It’s madness not love.

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slow dancing

But the real world is not written by Nicholas Sparks. We live without scripts, there are no cuts. We cannot fold the pages to re-experience our favourite parts or fast forward the scenes we want to edit out. We cannot pause and look up for meaning of words we cannot understand and go back to the sentences we underlined just when the mood strikes.

In the real world, we slow dance to life’s ups and downs... even to the ugliest, darkest parts... at its own pace... Face the consequences of our actions in stride, even if it will alter the direction of our sails.

At some point we have to break free from our bubble wrap of comfort zones. Be not afraid to say goodbye when needed and unplanned. Even if the fear of its permanency is heartbreaking. Even if we know there’s no guarantee that after we part ways, we will kiss and make up when the storm has passed.

But while doing something against our will is the hardest and the pain is inevitable, at the end of the day, when we ask ourselves if we did the right thing, we know we would be able to say: YES we did. And that allows us move on and travel light, free from baggage of the past.

_