The pain still grips my heart in silence and leaves it lifeless in darkness. My tears still run and stop on cue as if remote-controlled. I still wear and rip the masks in a flash. The whole being of me is still trampled on the same spot on the floor where it slumped 21 months ago. Not even an inch it moved.
It's like keeping the death at bay by cheating. Scraping off the disease layer by layer, filling the empty space with lies to be able to sleep at night. And watch the sun peeps through the window to realize I slept only a blink.
I am as broken as I say and don’t say I am – saved and sustained only by the grace of the almighty God.
You asked if I ever thought of you on that specific time? Yes you were in my sight the whole time, because you never left my mind. I still know exactly how your fingers wrap an iced tea glass. I still remember exactly how your lips slowly curve a smile. Whenever you type in ‘haaayyyy’ in the chat window, I still remember how it sounds – frustrated or not. There was not a time I never thought of us. There was never a time I dreamed of Disneyland that you were not Mickey Mouse. And there was never a night that I don’t remember how I would like to be wrapped in your arms.
You feel mad. You may feel that your ego was crushed, but you did not die.
I hide during the storm because I never wanted to look up where and when the ‘us’ stopped.
Every time you pop and say ‘hi’. Again and again I’m feeling the last time it hurt.
I wouldn’t know how have I stayed alive, because when I said goodbye, I was only hoping for once you will let go of your pride and ask me ‘Why?’. Because you know I’m crazy, because you know I was ripped by distance, because you know how much I wanted for us to take that step and you were holding the reign too tight.
I’m not selfish because from time to time it was a struggle to stay alive, because from then until now I love you very much.
I am writing this, hoping that for the first time, sleep will come.