You, Me and My Hormones

My Top 10 Truths, Discoveries and Realities of coupling (and the daily mundane things)

marriage is a union of 3 beings:  the man, the woman and her hormones.

I am not making it up.

Don’t give me that look.

To my husband:

 

1)       That is truth no 1.  And they are likely to be a part of our married life. That crazy monthly time my collarbones rolled into fats and my breasts are glaring at you like eye popping stress toys. Yes, they are the crazy times you are close to wringing my neck and packing my things. 

2)      I don’t mind you snoring. Please sleep tightly (and do not suddenly blab over breakfast that you did not sleep well the night before). Unless it starts to sound like a power saw taking down a hundred year old Acacia tree then I start to worry. 

3)      Changes are inevitable such us:

a.       The need for a bigger bed even if I want to sleep wrapped like a baby panda

b.      The maxi pads and the likes in the monthly grocery and the process of taking them from the trolley to the conveyor for the lady cashier to scan

c.       And the embarrassing moments you need to change the stained sheets  

4)      My alarm wakes us up early and I hit the snooze button and I just snuggle, then the alarm beeps again and I hit the snooze button again and I just snuggle…  That is the best part of my day. 

5)     When I say I am fine you go out with boys and I go to the coffee shop alone or stay at home, I am being honest. There are days we just want to do our things without disturbance or without having to explain or require us to be sociable.

To my girlfriends:

6)      You could be very ecstatic about the D-day or too occupied you cannot put into words what you want to say in your wedding vows. Do not say things only because it is sweet --- because you will be bound by it and anything you promise can be used against you. If you promise to always put food on the table, it will really be a pressure.

  

7)      It’s a different set of rules for each couple. For one: "Never go to bed with an argument unresolved" – it does not apply to all couples at all times. When you want to argue, you want to argue. And sometimes it’s the third party, hormones, that does the reasoning – and you have no explanation to that except your period. You just need to wake up like it’s another day.

8)      The process of doing the laundry, drying them, folding and sorting is an endless task. 

9)      The evolution of assets: When you insist on piling too many take-away or leftover foods inside the ref, that piece of appliance is ‘his’. When the freezer door won’t close there’s the urgent need to defrost, that becomes conjugal.

10)  You will wish sometimes socks have their own life and find their way to the hamper or to the drawer. Or socks are like your clingy, overly romantic girlfriend who cannot live without a pair. It will make your OC life peaceful and easier.

PLEASE NOTE THAT IMAGES HERE ARE NOT MINE NOR I BOUGHT THE RIGHTS TO USE.

Red Tags - Top 10 Drawbacks of Online Shopping

Single, working and tired at the end of the day I always have the reason to run to the mall.

I have all the reasons from catching up with the girls to dinner cravings – except shopping. I dread the thought of going to the mall and purposely getting something. The process of having to go visit several shops and get specifically what I have in mind – it just takes too much of my time. Then getting disappointed Size 6 shoe is out of stock or that Size 6 is not standard. The long queue is another thing (impatient eh!). With my 5-ft frame I get swept by throngs of eager shoppers and their shopping bags during Dubai shopping seasons.

On most occasions, I end up empty handed with what I need to buy and excessively spend on my favourite shops. It’s too late before I realize I overstocked of body butters and shower gels. And every so often, I end up purchasing something that I will regret before the train gets to the first stop - it’s just that I get so weak in the knees with the sight of oh so tempting 'blings' dangling in front of me and all reasons are rolling in my mind why I deserve another reward then feel guilty.

With that established, it’s easy to explain why I got hooked with online shopping. Well, if not entirely hooked like a bratty shopaholic, at least lured into shopping unplanned and on a regular basis while wriggling my toes underneath my office table. The greatest convenience is I just can do it anytime of the day in between and while taking calls and sipping my green tea. Strategically-sized discount tags popping up in my inbox in the middle of important mails. Discount marks that psyche one into thinking he/she is saving instead of spending – tsk! tsk!

Who would have predicted online shopping will be as common thing as Facebook readily accessible as long as you have an e-mail ID? But there are also drawbacks to the convenience of shopping on a click.

1)       The Facebook Profile Pic Shock – you fell in love, you clicked ‘buy’, when the package arrived, the actual is a far cry of what is advertised. #sobs

2)      The morning after regret – you gave in, probably because of the hormones raging, when everything else subsided, you received the sms and the amount is deducted from your available limit. You ask yourself: 'Oh boy! Did I really make that unnecessary purchase again?' Then it’s too late.

3)      ‘Til death do us part – if he snores, you have to live with that for the rest of your lives, annulment is more expensive at this stage. Somewhere in the links you are too lazy to click says refund will just be a headache, they will be ‘glad’ to give you that as store credits instead. Fine print: you’re stuck with your purchase.

4)       Along came Mr. Wrong – and you’re just too excited dear Mr. Aramex finally came knocking at your doorstep and surprise!!! It’s 2 left shoe in the box or not the item you paid for. If it’s their mistake, they can exchange, you just have to wait for another day. However if the item has to be shipped from somewhere, you have to wait for another 3 weeks. #goodluck!

5)      Long engagement – you stare at your ring and the stone stares back, sometimes you ask: will my order ever come?

6)      Online shopping is to online dating as actual shopping is to actual dating, to real shopaholics nothing substitutes the joy of the real thing.

7)      Authenticity check – what an extravagant savings even mom is impressed. But as you cannot feel or sniff, authenticity cannot be guaranteed. #megawatt doubt

8)      The lies, the scams – they lurk in legit sites, sweet ramblings, roses at hand, they get you into thinking the business exists and after you send your money they’re gone as fast.

9)      Communication – the lack there of and you feel hurt and ignored. 1) line always busy, 2) you were kept hanging, 3) can’t give the real stat, 4) the standard dialogue and lies, 5) etc… etc... - and you are raised to a full scale war.

10)  Hit and miss – you’ll only find out how it fits on first date.

Puppy Love – my great love stories

Getty Images Image

First love, first heartbreaks and the art of letting go, you learn it first from your pets.

Barbie

Etymology         : Glamourized from the words ‘bad breath’ by my condescending cousins. Forgive them. We were young and they were cruel.

Breed                    : Askal

It was the 80s and I was in the place where summer classes were unheard of. And even if ballet lessons were offered, I wonder if my mom will enroll me. So when I received this pup that summer, it was a delight! It meant permanent playmate. First pet, first love. Barbie accompanied me day in day out even during the very limited time I was allowed to play in the streets. Suddenly I had one to be with me all the time. Only one thing pissing off the adults in the house… all our electric plugs were chewed off… not a single lamp shade was spared. All slippers were marked by her tiny teeth or just anything that she can chew. And the last straw was my grandfather discovering she loved sleeping in his cabinet, in between his clothes. Grandfather has no choice but to put her in chains. And one afternoon after school I found her lifeless with chains around her neck. That was my first heartbreak and I never recovered. 

King

Etymology         : Size fit for a royalty

Breed                    : TBA (to be asked)

A got sick and King never left A’s room until his recovery. Some kind of a love.

Funny-boned Whity

Etymology         : There were Top 4 ranking dog names in our town before the kids got creative. Whity, Blacky, Browny and Spot, you choose the closest colour, and that’s the name. 

Breed                    : Half-askal Half-unknown

My mom had him for 8 years and they share this love that words are not enough to tell the story. I would refer her as my Mom’s dog. I haven’t recovered from my own loss so there was a distance. He had glorious days though before old age and scabies, but I will remember him most for his anecdotes. One, he almost bit the ‘ding dong’ of our male boarder, which this teacher retorted: “I haven’t even used it yet and you’re chewing it off?” while holding his treasures running for escape. I didn’t remember him getting shots though. Whity would accompany my mom literally everywhere she goes even on Sunday mass that he already got identified with her. On his last years, he developed scabies and did not heal anymore, we advised mom to put him in chains to restrain him from following her in the church as he was already scaring the whole town. And put she did. Only that she chained him in a garden chair made of steel. The opening song has not yet started, but outside the people in our street were waken and scandalized by the sound of the steel chair outrageously dragged by a running dog on his way to the church – on an early Sunday morning. A distant relative from the other end of the block recognized Whity and dislodged the chair from him. The scene ended with my nephew carrying the chair on their way home with all of them laughing so hard they could pee. But that did not make mom love him less. 

 Grabbed from Google

Sugar

Etymology         : Admirably powder white colour

Breed                    : Japanese Spitz

I would always say this: always relaxed and poised in any situation, there was only one time I saw A panicked – when Sugar got sick. After taking him to small vet clinics near his place she just didn’t get better that made A obviously worried. He eventually decided to take her into an upscale vet clinic that quickly diagnosed her with Pyometra, an infection of the uterus. It was quite a sum he spent saving the dog. Twice I visited her while she was confined to check on her condition. She didn’t recognize me of course, she’s A’s dog. But when A came to visit she turned around as quickly reaching for A’s hand touching the cage. Sensing A leaving, she would make this sound like she was crying telling A how hurt she feels… It was another sense of attachment that you will feel between the owner and the pet and your heart will swell. It was 30 days after, A was reversing the car, didn’t notice she was underneath and the next thing in front of him was Sugar in a pool of blood. The world dimmed.  

Tyra – Starbucks and Lactovital

Etymology         : While sipping coffee at Starbucks

Breed                    : Labrador

The wonder drug Lactobiotic Lactovital. Just when I thought I will never fall again along came this golden lab. It was mine and A’s decision to buy her. What a ‘flirt’ but you will love her nonetheless. She moves, chews and jumps tirelessly that when one day she stopped eating, I was alarmed. I took him to local vet who diagnosed her by looks, no tests at all, uhmm, he took her weight and her temperature, if those count. The next best decision was to take her into a reputable vet clinic in Manila after fever never left her at all. After series of tests she was diagnosed with Dog Parvovirus. She was in IV and confined for a week. Bills hiked up and I just prayed Mom won’t rise from her grave and slap me with senses.  She went home to A’s house with a bag of medicines and etc… she didn’t seem better though except for increased blood count and a new veterinary vocabulary for us. I was looking somewhere for Canines Health Insurance Company. Phew! A’s mom nursed her for a couple of days with meds to be taken every 3 hours and a special diet. Her heart sank seeing nothing improved after another few days. Tyra would just slouch and can’t even bring herself move more than an inch. I learned how to pray earnestly. A’s mom won’t give up though, not ready for the thought of seeing Tyra die in front of her. So she took the matter in her own hands and gave her Lactovital. Each dose or maybe the taste made her scream to her lungs but she continued giving her everyday! Miraculously, she slowly recovered! I was never a fan of supplements, but this story was an exemption and makes A’s mom a Supermom!  

Dugong

Etymology         : Nowhere or the teleserye maybe

Breed                    : Askal

A love that has suddenly grown. When I took Tyra home Dugong had become suddenly territorial. While he lead the pack of askals in our barangay, he saw Tyra in the light of an enemy and competitor. He did not leave the house for 2 days guarding the kitchen door preventing the pup from getting inside. He would growl whenever Tyra gets close. As if very possessive, he will jump on me and put around his feet around my waist that no other dog can get near. For one, Dugong is quite protective. He would walk with us to the bus station at any hour and won’t walk back home until our own bus leaves. If we go home, he was the first to welcome us jumping on his feet with gladness. I was away from home when he left but it still broke my heart into pieces.   

10 reasons I keep falling

Sure, we fight like 2 menopausing old maids forced with each other and ranting our own lists of immature drama as the tiresome of the gulf life sweeps us like sandstorm. You still punch me with lines that send my mercury shooting up, but more often than not, those lines make me laugh hard like mad – well, unless of course, it’s time of the month and my hormones are up. But I’ll be in my walking stick and a blabbering grandma sitting beside you on my favourite rocking chair still smitten, blogging about you.

And the reasons I keep falling over and over again?

1. You love my friends – as much as I love them, even if I have to drag you to the food court or you have to sit with us for two hours discussing the same thing over and over again.

2. You stood by me on my ugly days – we have it established, you cannot be my biggest fan. And on days that my looks are cooperative, you would praise several times the wonders of make up. But on months I wore my hair wavy, ugly and big (as well as my waistline) and even the guys made sure of that, you laughed at the same time but you still made me feel it didn’t matter, all was fine. How was that?  

3. Being surprisingly sentimental – I know that look you wanting to kick my butt hard 3 times when I took all the pleasure in tossing to the garbage bag all the empty perfume bottles and clothing labels you stashed. Yeah, they are yours and I just offered help when you shifted flats, but c’mon what’s with the empty deodorant tube even if it was the first bottle you finished when you came to the UAE? I know, I know, there’s a retribution waiting when you come back.

4. Being protective – at the end of the day, you want me safely home and in one piece in my shorts and shirts that you hate.

5. Being my best friend – even if I fail to follow your analogies and the more I am lost when you want to stress a point (I’m operating on a woman’s brain my dear) or I send you a 300+ words message and you say nothing and swiftly shift to the next topic.  

6. You remember dates and events.  And remember the first time we kissed with flowers.

7. That we are different – in 50+ and more ways. I’m too careless, you’re too careful, I’m impulsive you’re the contemplative, I’m a laidback you’re athletic and the list goes on. But we are getting the grips of it… while you’re in your rubber shoes and I’m in my strappy metallic slippers.

8. Loving me in your own way* – and not the way I want you to love me. No traditional Valentine’s dates or that new-couple-honeymoon-stage, no matching outfits on a movie date, mobile uploads or patented terms of endearment, but in your own ways - pure, sweet and sincere.   

9. Your mom – we’re not shopping buddies (well, not yet ;-)), we don’t spend prepaid cards to exchange cooking tips and gossips, but she raised you well and treats me nicely and with respect even if I wear mini skirts and shoulder-length earrings in my younger days or my outfits used to be out of place at your family dinners.

10. You’re admirably a man of faith.

 * Assuming it's love, Babe.

Crazy Crabby Love

A has a drama tolerance of 2 mins… yeah, A is soo back (big grin) and I should say: ‘I should know’. I should know that his tear ducts are clogged, not that we’ll be back annoying each other. 

Two mins max and he will be back to his jovial mood and endless teasing while I am still so absorbed in my hormonal rage. Yeah, making me feel like all the torture that I’ve been going through is imagined while I feel dehydrated for crying. On other cases, he delivers punch lines that could make me burst into tears in a second. That’s his language of love. 

When I retaliate, he would clench his jaws looking like I was a witch on a broomstick who ruined our day. That look on his face like no apology can even penetrate… Tough… Grrr!

So it was no different weekend in the mall except that he knows my week at work had been so awful. And when I say it’s no different, it means inside man’s shops: Nike, Adidas, Sun and Sands and the competitors… or Sharaf DG. 2 to 4 hours watching stuffs move out from the shelves until my lip gloss fades and the tip of my nose shines. 

This time, 2 hours inside Kinokuniya while he contemplates whether to buy the 2011 or 2012 version of this Revit book, buy the thicker (that says complete) or the thinner (that says fundamental) or the 2012 and the other book (well, it’s an engineering or maybe an architectural book, so I didn’t pay too much attention to the nitty-gritty) and decide if he will go straight to Cashier 2 or just purchase online including signing up to 2 online shops that also sell the book. I already read 12 pages of the book that I picked while casting my votes in between. Well, I already learned ways to entertain and amuse myself with the very limited time we can be together.

Finally it was my stop - Candylicious – because there are very few things that can really cheer me up when I’m blue: a pot of spaghetti, candy store and good food. 

While there I was creating my happy memory of picking a mini-trolley of chocolates and candies A suddenly blurted: “Bilisan natin Kai…”. And so my nostrils flared and my head snapped that made him wish he didn’t open up his mouth. No amount of cajoling could restore my shattered mood until I make him pay. And make him pay I did. And… scroll up Paragraph 3. 

Grrr! I didn't mean to be mean. It's just that I've waited long enough for that trip to the colouful candy store and machines to completely turn around my week at work, etc... to be fair, he has been trying his best to be as comforting as he can, even if he will punctuate it with a punchline.

From one mall to another, we were making each other’s company a hell. After acting like crazy that makes him feel like strangling my neck, we still ended up sharing a kilo of crab in a mud of salty Singaporean sauce. (To be honest, I wasn’t sure it was really a kilo, only that it says in the menu, or maybe the shells and those legs can really get that heavy.) Then we were suddenly back to talking and laughing like nothing happened. Crazy.

If I’m documenting these memories my love, because you should know, this is also my language of love.

Thank you for making memories worth writing. No matter how crazy.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love You

We’ve been too long far apart by heart. (Oh please don’t put up that frown.) Sharing bed, sleeping side by side but never bothering to say ‘hi’ or kiss each other goodnight. But believe me baby when I say, ‘how I long to be alone in your enveloping arms’ and put up that DO NOT DISTURB sign.

Sure you’ve given me black eyes, but we know together we are good. Not even complaining if I haven’t touched you in a while or I haven’t got beyond the 12^th page of the same title 3 times, that there you are left alone gathering ‘sand’ by my bedside.

Oh my precious books, simply between us:

1.    Age doesn’t matter – you did not judge me if I read Mills and Boon when I was eight and keep coming back to My Little Prince in my 30’s and most importantly, you won’t ask why am I not married on first meeting.  

2.    No issues about the past – No one cares and no one talks who owns you first or who owns you last. Even if I picked you up from the second-hands’ rack or you’re a hand-me-down.

3.    You don’t complain – about my cooking, or even if we only have Coke and chips all day or that we’ve been lying for 12 hours and I haven’t brushed my teeth. (Yeah, that’s gross.)

4.    You won’t say I am fat or that my hair is big on a regular basis. Not that I’m weight-obsessed, but puhleeezzz, I don’t need to be reminded of what a weighing scale and a mirror can clearly say.

5.    I can always get back on my favourite lines and you never get tired.

6.    You didn’t call me a bitch when I was sidetracked – when I had all my time with Facebook or when Wikipedia snatched my attention and time.

7.    No miscommunication issues. I can believe what I want to believe. When you get me lost: Hello Thesaurus. And even if I nag at you at 3 am, you won’t take that against me; simply you understand that I’m also crazy when my hormones are up.

8.    You don’t control me, overanalyze me or get back to me and tell me: I told you so. And you don’t require explanations when I make mistakes. You just let me be.

9.    Unconditional love - you make me cry, you make me laugh and you don't ask anything in  return even if sometimes I don’t remember all, I can’t recall word for word, sometimes it seems nothing was retained in my mind at all, even if it slips me who is the author.   

10.  Cheating allowed. If I want to know the how the story ends, I can always peep at the last page, saves me from disappointments, saves me big time from heartaches.

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on the far side

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Yep, men can really be frustrating at times, like when:

1. your tonsils are out on hysterics and he will just roll his eyes, shake his head and draw his breath, specifically in that order

2. left their manners at home and can’t be punctual and apologetic both at the same time… or;

3. can not differentiate NATURAL from pushed-up, padded, Belo-ed or excess calories-fattened breast… and they turn their heads to the direction when they think you're not looking 

But on the lighter note, while they CANNOT be transformed to being our best girl or gay friend or our biggest fan when we’re PMS-ing or when we are on our drama queen mode, they are admittedly equipped with a few good uses too. Hmmm, like:

· Having someone to interpret the road map for me. This tops the list. Saves taxi fare and saves me from agony. I’m a navigational twit.

· Having someone to do the math faster and more accurately. Unless it’s not more than one thousand amount of bill to foot, my math can’t be trusted.

· Having someone to label and label me mine. To be a woman and undesired is unenviable. Even if he’s Seal and you’re Heidi Klum. Girls, cut the hypocrisy.

· Having someone to hold hands with. The warmth.

· Having someone to kiss and make up with. Sweet…

· Having someone to surprise me with gifts. I love being remembered even with as mundane as corporate pens.

· Having someone to give me flowers. Because I love receiving them more than buying them for myself.

· Having shoulders to rest my head while feasting on cheesy flicks. Their’s are broader and they pay for the ticket.

· Having someone to cry with, laugh with and relive childhood memories.

· Having someone to try fancy restaurants with.

· Having someone to share a mocha frappe or buy me chocolates. Okay… I admit, I have distorted views about romantic relationships.

· Having someone to check if I’m home, if I have had dinner already.. etc… etc… My concepts are shallow at times eh.

· Having someone to remind me that the guys are making boso, staring at my breasts or my skirt is too short. Great!!! (my eyes rolling twice)… after two years, my entire wardrobe is altered… but, contrary to my first belief, I can survive with sleeves and wearing jeans. Shhh… I still keep the denim CK mini skirt.

· Having a reason to rummage at Toy Kingdom or Nike Park

· Having someone to explain what is the ‘drip hold’ for or which direction to loosen a tight screw, for both directions won’t work.

· Having someone to remind me to check my actions and my words. I tend to over react at times.

· Having additional set of sisters and nieces.

· Having someone to stand with me through many storms, floods, smudged mascara, salon-deprived moments and pancit canton days.

· Having someone to blame for getting lost in direction, being late, PMs-ing or just having someone to blame.

· Having someone to carry the grocery bags when they get too heavy. I’m not completely helpless but they just cramp my fashion sense.

· Having someone to remind me how far we’ve gone… then smirk. I enjoy soliciting emotion from a robot.

· Having someone to write and talk about… Because when we all get bored, talks end up to about relationships.

· Having someone to hand me a glass of water after a big fight… The crybaby did not grow up.


· Having someone to legally sniff that male scent. Part-skin, part-perfume… I'm paid being weird.


· Having someone to cuddle when i want to be intimate. Enuff said.

originally posted: june 05, 2008