encounter with joe black

i knew from experience that the pain of dealing with loss is scary. you can joke around, friends can make you laugh hard but silence is chilling with the thought of loss without the slightest hint of reunion.

and now that she is gone from my life, permanently, how i wish she is still around. just even for a day. that i can hold her more or that i can touch away all the pains she feels and tell her things i was not able to say quite often when she was still with me.

how ironic that the demise of someone has become my rebirth.

originally posted: march 14, 2007

never-ending quest

it had been nine long months, seeming like eternity, of battling to get hold of my sanity that seemed as elusive as the rarest butterfly. and like a quest to a winged creature dabbed with the most exceptional patterns and colors, one can always try breaking all his/her bones and fail miserably...

there are races losable at the middle of the tracks..

so many pains and cries shredding my heart into million pieces. and no amount of compassion, promises nor faith can pick-up and mend the broken bits to get it back to its perfect shape... to make it strong enough to taste the bitter taste of realities nor force it to face the world's sweetest lies with a smile...

now, i'm giving up my battles... my never-ending quest and my heart feels like a barrel emptied upside down...

originally posted: february 07, 2007

diarrhea of the brain

depression... it's like diarrhea of the brain. where the protozoans become possessive of our body. they develop and manifest themselves. they do not leave... they just sleep, then wake up again..

ask me why but i'll never know how they got there. i just know they thrive in me claiming my body their territory. completely devouring me. then everything turns from sugar to shit.

originally posted: january 03, 2007

last night...

i’m taking a path
with a heavy heart
don’t know where the journey is bringing me
don’t know when will the hurting stop

---

i’m curled up like a ball, beaten, loser
seeing my dreams fading away,
like water slipping through my fingers
now, i've nothing to worry about failing, about giving up, about giving in,
about holding on

---

i’m lying down there
in my own room, in my own world
that no one sees, where no one understands,
no one cares, no one laughs, no one feels

---

it’s my world,
it’s mine
my heart
my mind

---

--- then last night...

originally posted: september 09, 2006