Saturday, October 17, 2009

ooopps i did it again

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"I wonder how are you gonna take this, or if we're gonna see things in the same light. we can't run away from the issue no matter how much we try. and i wonder if talking would help us (knowing what talking can do to us). i want to attend the service and i need it right now.

i wonder if it's the right thing to say but i think we need to decide from here.

i've got a problem... ONLY LOVE CAN CONTROL ME...

yeah, you said it's hard for me to give in... to admit i am wrong... NO, not that i don't acknowledge my mistakes. i can't give in, YES. again, ONE HAS TO LOVE ME TO CONTROL ME.

i know it wouldn't be easy for anybody i'm with right now, and i'm ready if you'll say, you want to give up. there are too many things i've to work out in me and that would be unfair to anybody i am with that i go through the process and we don't seem to meet eye to eye.

even you have told me too many times that i measure love the way i want to see things...

because i can't measure things i cannot see... and things that are not given to me... it's me not you and we will only go in circles not accepting who i am... so it's okay with me if you want to say 'hindi mo na kaya'. coz i know there's a long way for me to go..."

i was evidently in my ‘papansin’ mode again... stomping in my 3 x 4 m room and crying my heart out to get what i want for an hour... struggling to win the argument ready to set the building on fire and A was handling the reign too tight... when tears won't work, the novel-length sms (ironic huh!) seemed to be the most dramatic way to punctuate the conversation and elicit empathy from him. Finally, he texted back: "6 p.m at the church".

one long shower and one jeepney ride after, i was on my way from qc to ortigas. my heart and mind still riotous with the realizations, the confrontation and in anticipation of our would-be-confrontation in a short while... was rehearsing my award-winning lines... blah, blah, blah... when suddenly i realized something didn't feel right... SOMETHING REALLY VERY VERY UNFAMILIAR!!! WTF!!! i wasn't wearing bra underneath my blouse!!! i am female, 30 y.o., half-human half-sane, unpadded 34-B, marching amid the heavy traffic of EDSA braless! right at that moment i wished - indeed wished earth would open up and swallow me...

with my bust size, wearing nothing underneath is something that wouldn't go unnoticed. okay, they're not worthy gracing the cover of Maxim or FHM... but still i'm top heavy and hell, just think about the discomfort knowing that i feel the twin mounds at my front rocking every time i walk or the FX i was riding in would pass on th humps... needless to say, i went straight to robinson's department store ladies' section....

A can't stop the grin when i slumped beside him at the church... too much for the primetime teleserye overdose...


originally posted: september 17, 2007