between her and her ex
Other than the dead giveaway of a heavy petting or a back-arching climax on the backseat punctuated by hearing out somebody else's name, there are other telltale signs to watch out for to find out if the chick you are spending half of your 15th pay is into you, for real.
Remember hell hath no fury a woman cheated on. To most of us, swollen pride rules over senses after being dumped and we are likely to putting up an act, for our benefit of course. Your girl may kiss and act like she has completely moved-on to coerce you into wasting your gas driving around the metro to stalk the dumpee. And she can pull this off unnoticed while you get distracted by her low-neckline. Not because her thin as floss thongs are around her ankles after every date means you can sweet talk mom to cooking her favorite paella next Friday night eh. So better check this she’s-over-him-o-meter first before conducting a text marathon of hearing wedding bells soon. This is for your own good, believe me.
watch out if she:
• accidentally sent you sms with “cream puff” coma…, and you call each other “honey bunch”.
• called your momma Tita Linda and you never knew anybody in the household named Linda.
• gifted his favorite lola’s cousin’s granddaughter who lives next door with a chihuahua on her graduation day and forgot it’s your birthday.
• cooks you lamb chops for dinner when she knows you are a vegetarian.
• always cries buckets whenever she sees this cheesy flick she watched with her ex plays on HBO and cannot even remember the movie you paid for last week.
• has his name (or a codename) on the speed dial, number last and most dialed and has their theme song as a ring tone. you? you have to scan for your name and number from her phonebook.
• keeps in touch with their common male best friend for unnecessary and crazy reasons like swollen toenail or a sick Siamese cat and this male best friend is neither a gay nor a vet.
• has more interesting and not so interesting anecdotes to share with her girlfriends about the tales of the olden days than times you were together.
• has his perfume give her goose bumps in a sniff and yours gives her a headache within 20-feet radius.
• has her phone always off or picks up only after 27 missed calls to pick a fight for simple reasons like your choice of TV shows or that you snore like an espresso machine. and no, it's not a classic case of months-long PMS-ing,
• has her hourly rants and chants begin with him and your common denominators.
• describes him as her best friend, when you know in fact she was dumped.
• developed a year-round migraine when invited on your family affairs but runs to his condo unit when his computer broke down to help him in a Powerpoint presentation due the next day or because he has LBM - and it is your monthsary.
it’s over when she:
• can say his first name out loud without blushing, eye lass flirtatiously batting, buckling or name-calling and in a normal tone (there should not be "any" of those indicators).
• cares less in sharing her e-mail password or blog link’s with you.
• already changed her pin code from their anniversary to yours.
• quickly replies “who u?” to his calls or sms without thinking.
• has changed her pet’s name from his rumored girl friend’s to something more ordinary.
• stopped stalking his e-mail and friendster or facebook accounts.
• has found the politesse to address his current _________ (insert whatever was her previous position) by the name and not “the bitch” and started seeing beyond her implanted breasts or humungous feet.
These bits and pieces of romanticism may sound stupid and corny, you may opt to dismiss. But it pays being vigilant of those strong and subtle hints before surprisingly bumping her in a bar with her arms around her “cream puff” like wild vines to the bushes while you wipe your sweat and the sticky shit on your head. Or better yet, never get hooked with somebody who’s got “it’s complicated” in her friendster status or just had it changed from “in a relationship” to “single” not more than 3 months ago.
the strange world of marketing: Femenine wash labeled "TESTER" at Watsons. okay, sit, spread and try (strictly in that order please).
originally posted: december 15, 2006